My 'Goddam' Life

Dont tell anybody andthing, if you do, you will start missing everybody.

My 'Goddam' Life - Allie's Funeral

Dont tell anyone anything, if you do, you start missing everybody.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Carrousl

When I got out it was cold. I went to Grand Central, got my bags and slept for a bit. I started reading this magazine and it had stuff about cancer in it and I started to think I had cancer. I figured I better get something to eat so I started walking over to East.

I got some donuts and coffee from this place, but I didn’t eat to donuts. I left and headed over the fifth Avenue. Something strange happened though. Every time I got the a curb I felt like I was just going to go down, down, down. Then id say ‘Allie don’t let me disappear.’

I started fantasising about moving out West and pretend to be a mute. I decided I was going to do it but first say bye to Phoebe. I went in her school to give someone a note to pass on the Phoebe. While I was walking round I saw someone had write ‘F*ck you’ on the wall. It drove me crazy.

I walked over to the museum where I was meeting Phoebe but I still had a while to wait. I walked round for a bit and then I saw Phoebe with this suitcase. She thought that she could come with me to the West. I told her she couldn’t.

I tried to get her to go back to school but she wouldn’t peak to me. I then tired to get her to come to the zoo with me if she cut out the crazy stuff. I left to the meuseum and she followed me. She wouldn’t walk next to me in the zoo. We then headed to the carousel

It stilled played the same song there. I gave phoebe some money to have a go on it while I watched her. The carousel is a very special place for my family. It started to rain but I didn’t care. I was so happy all of a sudden.

My 'Goddam' Life - Mr Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini had a very swanky apartment. He reminded me a bit of D.B. and when D.B. went to Hollywood, Mr Antolini told him not to go. I rang the door bell and when he answered he was stood wearing his bathrobe and holding a highball.

We got talking about different subjects and one got me thinking about this game we used to play in class and about this one kid who use to digress and talk about his farm in Vermont. Mr Antolini then told me that he can see me having a terrible fall.

He also said he can see me dying nobly for an unworthy cause. I guess that the cause would be to protect children. He got me some blankets and I went to sleep on the couch. I then woke up in the night and Mr Antolini was stoking my hair and watching me.

I got nervous as hell and I had to get out of there, I thought that he was making a move on me. I left straight away. I now had no one to talk to and I felt betrayed.

My 'Goddam' Life - Xmas Dough

Mr Antolini said could come right over if I wanted. He’s a very good and respectful guy. When I got back Phoebe was dancing, she is a terrific dancer, she stays right with you. We danced about four numbers.

Suddenly she heard the front door, it was my parents. I ran and hid in the cupboard. When my parents were in bed I came out and Phoebe lent me her Christmas dough. I then started to cry uncontrollably. Phoebe tried comforting me.

It was a long time until I stopped. I then told Phoebe I was leaving and gave her my Hunting Hat. It was a hell of a lot easier getting out than in, I took the back stairs out, the elevator boy didn’t even see me.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Catcher

When I got back she had took the pillow off her head, but still just kept saying that ‘daddy’ll kill you.’ It was like our roles had been reversed while I was talking to her. I told her I left Pency because it was full of Phonies and mean guys.

She asked me for one thing I like, but I couldn’t concentrate, I started thinking about James Castle. He jumped out of a window and died wearing my turtleneck sweater. I told her that the thing I like is Allie. She told me I always say that and Allies dead.

Turns out all the things I like are in the past. I asked her if she knew the song, ‘If a Body Catch a Body Coming Through the Rye,’ she corrected me sayings its ‘If a Body Meet a Body Coming Through the Rye.’

When I think of it I think of loads of little kids running around and I would be by the cliff and catch them if they fell, all I want the be is the Catcher in the Rye. I then went to the living room and called up Mr Antolini, my old English teacher.

My 'Goddam' Life - Phoebe W Caulfield

If I didn’t bump into my parents I decided I would say hello to Phoebe. When I got in it was dark as hell and I had to make sure not to bump into anything. When I got to Phoebe’s room she wasn’t there, but then I remembered that she stays in D.B.’s room when he is away.

When I got in D.B.’s room I turned on the light and Phoebe didn’t even wake up so I looked around for a bit. I looked though one of Phoebe’s note books. I woke he up and told he about her record, she wasn’t even ungrateful about it.

Somehow she figured it out that I had been kicked out of Pency. She got upset and annoyed with me and just stuck her head under a pillow. After she did she wouldn’t speak to me. I went and got some cigarettes out of the living room.

My 'Goddam' Life - Allie's Funeral

I just stayed at the bar and got drunk. I asked the waiter if he would give someone a message for me, I bet he didn’t, people always let you down. I got so drunk I started pretending I had a bullet in my guts.

I had my hand under my jacket, trying to conceal he fact that I’m a wounded sonuvabitch. I left and gave Sally a buzz, I tried to apologize for the way I acted. I then headed to the park to see the ducks.

Sadly I dropped phoebes record and it shattered. It was dark in the park. I wasn’t able to make it to Allie’s funeral, I was in hospital. When your dead they really fix you up. I then left the park and headed home.

My 'Goddam' Life - Carl Luce

I got to theWicker Bar which is in the Seton Hotel. Finally Old Luce showed up, he knows loads about sex. I made a joke about it, he told me to grow up. I couldn’t get off the subject, I even started lying, trying to show off to him.

I began to annoy him talking about him and his Chinese babe. He came out with another comment stating my mind is immature. Later on he had to go, he was strictly a pain in the ass, but he had a very wide vocabulary.

My 'Goddam' Life - War

When I left the rink I felt sort of hungry. I started thinking of Jane and some guy she dated. Girls always think some guy has an inferiority complex or is conceited, even smart girls.

I then decided to ring Carl Luce, he had a high IQ. We arranged to meet at 10 o’clock, so I had time to kill, so I went to the movies. They had this Christmas introduction which was so phoney, and then the movie was too sweet and perfect.

The movie got me thinking about war and that D.B was in the army for 10 years. I also thought about the atomic bomb and that I am glad we have it, if there was another war, I would gladly sit on it.

My 'Goddam' Life - Massachusetts and Vermont

I was early so I just sat in a couch in the lobby and looked at the girls. I love whistling, it could kill you. Finally old Sally started coming up the stairs so I went down to meet her. She looked marvellous, and I told her we her going seeing the Lunts.

After the show some guy called the Lunts angels, angels for Chrissake, that killed me. We then decided to go skating. The funny thing was, when we were there we were the worst skaters on the ice. The skates hurt like hell so after a while he got off.

I told her if it wasn’t for he I would probably be in the woods or some place. then I got this crazy idea and said to her that we should drive to Massachusetts and Vermont and stay in a cabin, and when we ran out of money I would get a job.

She didn’t want to and we had this argument about it. I then told he she gives me a royal pain in the ass. I know I shouldn’t off. I kept apologising but she got sore as hell and kept telling me to go away.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Museum

It was around noon and I wasn’t meeting Sally until two so I satarted on a walk to Broadway. I went to find a record shop for a record called ‘Little Shirley Beans’ for Phoebe. Everyone at Broadway wanted to go to the movies, I couldn’t understand it. I found the record anyway.

I got me and Sally tickets for the Lunts. They were a bunch of show offs and I don’t like show offs very much if you want to know the truth. I got a cab to the park I asked some kid if they knew phoebe and they said she would be in the museum, but it was Sunday so she wouldn’t but I went anyway.

I used to go to the museum with my class. It made me happy thinking about it. I guess I get a lot of my questions from the museum but the best thing was things stayed the same. When I got to the museum I just didn’t feel like going in.

My 'Goddam' Life - Suitcases

I didn’t sleep long and the last time I ate was with Brossard and Ackley. I thought of giving Jane a buzz, but I didn’t. I did call Sally Hayes though and we made a date to meet up. I got it a cab and went to Grand Central Station. I started to think about It and I found I had spent so much money.

My Fathers quite wealthy but he invests loads in Broadway which m Mum hates. My Mum has been very nervous since Allie died, that’s why I don’t want he to know I got the axe again. I got something to eat at the station.

These two nuns came in and they had very inexpensive suitcases. I hate it when somebody has cheap suitcases, like my old roommate. Anyway I started talking to the nuns about Romeo and Juliet and old Mercutio. It drives my crazy when someone gets killed.
I
gave them ten bucks for their collection and then they left, i felt bad i only gave them ten but i made that date with Sally so I had to keep some dough.

My 'Goddam' Life - Five Bucks

The sun was coming up and I felt so guilty. I started to talk to Allie out loud, I told him to go and get his bike and meet me outside Bobby Fallon’s house. You see when he was alive I didn’t let him come so I was feeling sort of guilty. I also thought about getting into an argument with a lad about the bible.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, it was Sunny and Maurice. He wanted five bucks which he said I owed him but I didn’t, so I didn’t give it him. He started threatening me and had me up against the door. Sunny got a five out of my wallet, then I started to cry.

I called him a moron and he gave me this great big smack in the stomach. I just lay there. Then I imagined this movie like scene where I would go and shoot Maurice. The goddam movies, they can ruin you.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Prostitute

I walked back to the hotel because I couldn’t be bothered with another cab driver. I put my hunting hat on and I started to think about my old gloves that someone at Pency swiped, I would of got in this stupid argument with him (like in the movies) and eventually not sock him one. Its not fun to be yellow, but I don’t really care if I lose things.

I got in the mood for a drink walking down the street, I can drink loads and not show it. As I was going into the bar these two guys came up and asked me for directions and I ended up not going in. I got to the hotel and was so depressed I wished I was dead.

When I was in the elevator to elevator boy asked if I wanted a prostitute so I expected. When she came I got so nervous, we only talked in the end anyway, I was too depressed. Maurice, the elevator boy told me it was five for a throw but Sonny, the prostitute say it was ten, but I still only gave her five.

Sonnet

The ducks in winter where do they fly to
And the fish do they just stay and turn blue
D.B, old phoebe and good old Allie
You three all mean the goddamn most to me
With your pen covered mitts and cool red hair
And D.B promise me you will be there
When you keep all your kings on the back row
You old Jane Gallagher really did glow

Damn you’d never see me in the movies
I mean it was a place full of phonies
Imagine if you could stop time and all
It drives me crazy like becoming tall
This whole world im in is full of morons
Please remember when the ducks are all gone

My ‘Goddam’ Life – The Fish in Winter

I got in a cab and told him to go to Greenwich Village. The driver was called Horwitz. I ask him if he knew where the ducks go in winter. He didn’t know and started to get sore about it. He then started talking about the fish, but who gives a damn about the fish! I was talking about the ducks. He said that they just get stuck in a block of ice. He got really sore so I stopped the conversation before he crashed.

I got a seat and ordered a scotch and soda. I was surrounded by jerks. All of a sudden Lillian Simmons came up to me with this navy looking guy. She used to know my brother. She kept asking about D.B. and then asked if I wanted to join them but i said i has just leaving. I disnt want to leave but I wasnt going to sit with lillian and that Navy guy, people are always ruining things for you.

My ‘Goddam’ Life – Good Old Jane

On my way back to the lobby I got Jane Gallagher on the brain again. I got quiet intimate with her, but not in a physical way, you don’t have to get too sexy to get to know a girl. This one afternoon me and Jane got close to necking, we were playing checkers then this booze hound her mother has married to came out, he asked Jane a question but she didn’t answer.

All of a sudden a tear fell on the board so I took her to the glider and started kissing her all over, her nose, ears, eyes, chin, anywhere! I thought that her could have tried to get wise with her, she said no though. Anyway that’s the closest we got to necking.

It drove me crazy thinking about her and that damn Ed Banky’s car. Anyway I then remembered this night club where old Ernie plays a piano, my brother D.B. used to go there Hes so good hes sort of corny.

My 'Goddam' Life - Lavender Room

I couldn’t sleep so I decided to go down to the Lavender room where I met these three witches, one was ok but the other two where hags. I danced with the blond who was amazing, the other two where terrible. They all loved phony movie stars so I horsed around by telling one that Gary Cooper had just left and she got so excited. They left early and left me to pay for their dirks but I didn’t mind.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Sexy Hotel

When I got off at Penn station I decided to go to a phone booth and give someone a buzz, but then I didn’t feel like it. I did contemplate calling Sally Hayes though because I new her vacation had started, but I couldn’t risk her mother answering because she knew my mother. She said I had no direction in my life.

I got a cab and told the driver the wrong address by mistake, but carried on anyway. In the cab I asked him where the ducks go in winter but he thought I was taking the mic. I told him to turn around and take me to a hotel

What I saw from my room there shocked the hell out of me, there were transvestites and people squirting water into each others mouths. I’m probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw though. I horse around with girls a lot, I don’t really understand sex.

I then called up some girl this guy I knew, knew. She was sort of a prostitute because she was always up for some. She didn’t want to meet me that night though so we didn’t do anything.

My 'Goddam' Life - Mrs Morrow

It was too late to call a cab so i decide to get a train. When on the train I this woman asked me if i had a Pency Prep sticker on my bad, and i did very corny. I turned out she was Ernest Morrows mother. Ernest was the type of guy that would snap you with his towel on your ass. But i decided to shoot the bull and tell his mum what a great guy he was, mothers loves hearing how great their sons are.

My 'Goddam' Life - Leaving Pency

I went into Ackleys room after the fight with Stradlater. We kept asking what the fight has about, but I didn’t tell him. I stayed in Ackleys room and slept there that night. I got up part way though anyway and walked around, everyone was still asleep, and then in an instant I decided not to wait until Wednesday to leave, I decided to get the hell out now, so I went back to my room and packed. What did make me sad though was when I was packing I had to pack these new ice skates my mum got me, when ever someone got me a present it made me sad. I put my Red Hunting hat on and yelled ‘Sleep Tight ya morons’ then left.

My 'Goddam' Life - Right in the kisser

I was so worried whilst Stradlater was out with Jane. He did get back eventually and didn’t even say one word about Jane. I told him his composition was on his bed and he started reading it. He got all crazy with me while he was reading it because it was about Allie’s glove and not a room or a house, even though he only told me it had to be descriptive. He told me I don’t do one thing the way I am supposed to.

I lost it with him so I went over to him and ripped it all up. I went and sat back down on my bed and asked him about Jane. I asked him where did he go with her and he didn’t answer, instead he came over to me being all playful giving me these socks on my shoulder. He then said that all they did was sit in Ed Bankey’s car.

I got so nervous when he said that, I asked him if he gave her the time in Ed’s car. He told me it was a professional secret. I got up went over and socked him in the mouth. He threw me on the floor and put his knees on me. I kept calling him a moron and saying childish things. He let me up and I must of called him a moron too many because he gave me this almighty sock in the mouth.

I wasn’t knocked out but I just lay on the floor for a while. Stradlater left and I got up and went into Ackley’s room. I hardly ever went in to Ackley’s room it had this funny stink in it.

My 'Goddam Life' - Allie's Mit

Saturday was supposed to big a big deal because they gave you steak. It was only because ever one's parents came on Sunday and Old Thurmer bet that they would asked what the had to eat. I didn't have out to do so Mal Brossard, me and Ackely got on a bus and went to Agerstown to watch a lousy movie. Anyway i was ready but it look Ackley like 5 hours to get ready so I went over to the window and packed a snowball. I has going to chuck it a a car across the street but I changed my mind.

Finally he was ready and we went to get the bus. When I has getting on the driver told me I couldn't bring my snowball on even though I told him I wasn't going to throw it at anyone, he didn't believe me though, people never believe you. In the end we didn't seen the movie we just had a hamburger and went on a pinball machine, i didn't care though.

We then went back to Pency at about quarter to nine and it took me ages to get rid of Ackely, eventually I did though and i started Stradlaters composition. I couldn't think of anything to do it on so i got my little brother, Allie's baseball mit out of my suitcase. It had all poems written on it in green ink, it was a very descriptive subject. I took it everywhere with me. You see hes dead now, he died of leukemia up in Maine on July the 18th, 1946.

He was great. He was two years younger than me and fifty times more intelligent. He was also the nicest boy you could ever have met for many reasons. People say someone with red hair get mad easily, but Allie never did and he had very red hair. I slept in the garage the night he died, I broke all the goddam windows with my fist just for the hell of it. I busted my hand up though.

That's what I wrote the composition about anyway. It took me ages though, Stradlater's typewriter kept jamming on me and i lent mine to someone down the hall. I could also hear Ackley snoring though the shower curtains. He had sinus problems. He had everything wrong with him that guy, you had to feel sorry for him.

My 'Goddam' LIfe - Stradlaters Date

I had nothing to do that evening so i stood there while Stradlater Shaved himself with his crumby razor, you should of seen it, all full of hairs, he never cleaned it. If you think about it Stradlater is a secret slob, unlike Ackley, because he looks alright but like for other things like the razor he used if you know what i mean. The reason why he was always fixing himself up because he was in love with himself, he thought he was the handsomest guy on the Western Hemisphere, and he was pretty handsome, ill admit it.

Anyway Stradlater was going out on a date and didn't have time to do his composition so he asked me to do it. He told me it was to describe something like a room or a house. I started horsing around after a while because I got bored and i kept taking my hunting hat of and looking at it. I told Stradlater it only cost me a buck. I asked him who he date was and he replied Jean Gallagher.

I nearly dropped dead when he said that, i realised he meant Jane Gallagher though, I practically lived next door to her the summer before last. I told him we used to play checkers all the time and she never moved her kings of the back row. That doesn't interest most people though. I started going crazy thinking about her.

Stradlater is a very sexy bastard and i started getting all nervous thinking about what he might do to Jane. Eventually he left though with my hounds tooth jacket and Ackley came back thought the shower curtains. For once i was happy to see him, take my mind of other things.

My 'Goddam' Life- Ackley kid

I'm a terrific liar, its awful. I lie all the goddam time. In Pency i lived in the Ossenburger Memorial Wing. My roomate was a senior, Stradlater has his name. Anyway it was named after this big hot shot phony guy who gave a load of money to Pency. When I got back to the room while everyone was still at the game and the heating was on it was sort of cosy for a change. I then sat down and put on my red hunting hat that I bought in New York and started reading the book 'Out of Africa.' My favourite author is D.B.

While i was reading I heard someone come though the shower curtains. It was Robert Ackley, a very peculiar guy. He had lousy teeth, the whole time i have been there i never saw him brush them. He had a lot of pimples too. He hated Stradlater's guts. He went round picking up all our personal stuff while he was in our room. He was really annoying me so i started horsing around, saying 'Mother darling, give me your hand its all going dark.' it annoyed him.

Stradlater then barged in and asked me if he could borrow my hounds tooth jacket. I said ok but he had to no stretch the shoulders, we were near enough the same height, but he had wider shoulders than me and weighed about twice as much. He went to have a shave and walked round with no top on, he thought he had a dead good build, and he did ill have to admit.

My 'Goddam' Life - Old Spencer

I used to think about old Spencer quite a lot, if you thought about him too much you would think what the heck has he still living for. In class if he dropped a piece of his chalk someone on the front row would have to pick it up for him. That's awful in my opinion. But if you thought about him for just enough and not too long, then you could figure it out he wasn't doing too bad for himself. For instance he bought a Navajo Blanket of some Indian in Yellowstone Park. You could tell he got a bang out of buying it. Self consciously i sort of related to him though that blanket, I guess that blanket was my innocence and I just wanted to hold on to it.

I guess that is why I'm messed up in the head, because I want to hold on to my childhood but I try acting like an adult, trying to grow up. Anyway I went up to his room and his door has open but i still knocked just to be polite. There were pills and medicine all over the place. I'm not too crazy about sick people. He had written a note to me asking me to come round to say good-by. He asked me about the chat i had with Dr Thurmer, I told him that we talked about life being a game and you have to play by the rules. Life isn't a game though, you are either on the side with the hot shots where it is a game, but if your not then it isn't.

He asked if I had told my parents about being kicked out of Pency I said no, my parents would be pretty irritated about me being kicked out. Pency has like the forth school I have been to. he then asked my about my subjects and how many I have took, I answered 5, he then asked how many are you failing in, I then replied 4. You see Spencer has my history teacher and we hasn't too happy about flunking me.

While i has shooting the bull to him about me not blaming him about failing me I has sort of thinking about the lagoon in Central Park and where the ducks go in winter. He then asked me about Whooton school and Elkton Hills and that I had difficulty at them. I then made it clear that I didn't have too much difficulty at Elkton and, that it was just full of phonys and that i couldn't take it (basically I just quit). After a while i then left and after i left Spencer shouted good luck, I hate it, it sounds terrible if you think about it.

My 'Goddam' Life - Pency

Well I've got a brother, D.B.'s his name, he used to write books. One book he wrote, 'The Secret Goldfish' which is about a boy who bought a goldish and wouldn't let anyone look at it. That book killed me. Anyway hes gone Hollywood now being a prostitute. If theres one thing i hate it's goddam movies, dont even mention them to me.

What else is there, erm, ah I used to go to Pency Prep, they've kicked me out now. You might have seen the ads for it, they advertise it in about a thausand magazines. They always have some hot shot guy in it on a horse jumping over a fence. And underneath they always said 'Since 1888 we have been moldingboys into splendid and clear-thinking young young men.' They dont do anymore goddam moulding at Pency then any other school. I remember being stood next to that crazy cannon on top of thomsen hill on my own watching the football game againt Saxon on that Saturday after i got back from New York when i left all the fencing equipment on the train.

There were never many girls at the football games, but there was Old Selma Thurmer, the old headmasters daughter what a girl, i liked her. However she wasnt exactally the type that drove you with desire. She showed up at the games quiet often. The thing i liked about her was she didnt give you a lot of horse manure about what a great guy her father was. She proberly knew how much of a phony solb he was.

I went visiting Mr Spencer my old History teacher down Anthony Wayne Avenue to see how his grippe is. Oh and i have T.B but im healthy When i finished running down the hill to his house i have to stop and get my breath back, im quite a heavy smoker. After i got across rout 204 i felt like i was disappearing. I was frozen when i got to the door. Mrs Spencer opened the door, they didnt have a maid or anything.