My 'Goddam' Life

Dont tell anybody andthing, if you do, you will start missing everybody.

My 'Goddam' Life - Allie's Funeral

Dont tell anyone anything, if you do, you start missing everybody.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Carrousl

When I got out it was cold. I went to Grand Central, got my bags and slept for a bit. I started reading this magazine and it had stuff about cancer in it and I started to think I had cancer. I figured I better get something to eat so I started walking over to East.

I got some donuts and coffee from this place, but I didn’t eat to donuts. I left and headed over the fifth Avenue. Something strange happened though. Every time I got the a curb I felt like I was just going to go down, down, down. Then id say ‘Allie don’t let me disappear.’

I started fantasising about moving out West and pretend to be a mute. I decided I was going to do it but first say bye to Phoebe. I went in her school to give someone a note to pass on the Phoebe. While I was walking round I saw someone had write ‘F*ck you’ on the wall. It drove me crazy.

I walked over to the museum where I was meeting Phoebe but I still had a while to wait. I walked round for a bit and then I saw Phoebe with this suitcase. She thought that she could come with me to the West. I told her she couldn’t.

I tried to get her to go back to school but she wouldn’t peak to me. I then tired to get her to come to the zoo with me if she cut out the crazy stuff. I left to the meuseum and she followed me. She wouldn’t walk next to me in the zoo. We then headed to the carousel

It stilled played the same song there. I gave phoebe some money to have a go on it while I watched her. The carousel is a very special place for my family. It started to rain but I didn’t care. I was so happy all of a sudden.

My 'Goddam' Life - Mr Antolini

Mr and Mrs Antolini had a very swanky apartment. He reminded me a bit of D.B. and when D.B. went to Hollywood, Mr Antolini told him not to go. I rang the door bell and when he answered he was stood wearing his bathrobe and holding a highball.

We got talking about different subjects and one got me thinking about this game we used to play in class and about this one kid who use to digress and talk about his farm in Vermont. Mr Antolini then told me that he can see me having a terrible fall.

He also said he can see me dying nobly for an unworthy cause. I guess that the cause would be to protect children. He got me some blankets and I went to sleep on the couch. I then woke up in the night and Mr Antolini was stoking my hair and watching me.

I got nervous as hell and I had to get out of there, I thought that he was making a move on me. I left straight away. I now had no one to talk to and I felt betrayed.

My 'Goddam' Life - Xmas Dough

Mr Antolini said could come right over if I wanted. He’s a very good and respectful guy. When I got back Phoebe was dancing, she is a terrific dancer, she stays right with you. We danced about four numbers.

Suddenly she heard the front door, it was my parents. I ran and hid in the cupboard. When my parents were in bed I came out and Phoebe lent me her Christmas dough. I then started to cry uncontrollably. Phoebe tried comforting me.

It was a long time until I stopped. I then told Phoebe I was leaving and gave her my Hunting Hat. It was a hell of a lot easier getting out than in, I took the back stairs out, the elevator boy didn’t even see me.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Catcher

When I got back she had took the pillow off her head, but still just kept saying that ‘daddy’ll kill you.’ It was like our roles had been reversed while I was talking to her. I told her I left Pency because it was full of Phonies and mean guys.

She asked me for one thing I like, but I couldn’t concentrate, I started thinking about James Castle. He jumped out of a window and died wearing my turtleneck sweater. I told her that the thing I like is Allie. She told me I always say that and Allies dead.

Turns out all the things I like are in the past. I asked her if she knew the song, ‘If a Body Catch a Body Coming Through the Rye,’ she corrected me sayings its ‘If a Body Meet a Body Coming Through the Rye.’

When I think of it I think of loads of little kids running around and I would be by the cliff and catch them if they fell, all I want the be is the Catcher in the Rye. I then went to the living room and called up Mr Antolini, my old English teacher.

My 'Goddam' Life - Phoebe W Caulfield

If I didn’t bump into my parents I decided I would say hello to Phoebe. When I got in it was dark as hell and I had to make sure not to bump into anything. When I got to Phoebe’s room she wasn’t there, but then I remembered that she stays in D.B.’s room when he is away.

When I got in D.B.’s room I turned on the light and Phoebe didn’t even wake up so I looked around for a bit. I looked though one of Phoebe’s note books. I woke he up and told he about her record, she wasn’t even ungrateful about it.

Somehow she figured it out that I had been kicked out of Pency. She got upset and annoyed with me and just stuck her head under a pillow. After she did she wouldn’t speak to me. I went and got some cigarettes out of the living room.

My 'Goddam' Life - Allie's Funeral

I just stayed at the bar and got drunk. I asked the waiter if he would give someone a message for me, I bet he didn’t, people always let you down. I got so drunk I started pretending I had a bullet in my guts.

I had my hand under my jacket, trying to conceal he fact that I’m a wounded sonuvabitch. I left and gave Sally a buzz, I tried to apologize for the way I acted. I then headed to the park to see the ducks.

Sadly I dropped phoebes record and it shattered. It was dark in the park. I wasn’t able to make it to Allie’s funeral, I was in hospital. When your dead they really fix you up. I then left the park and headed home.

My 'Goddam' Life - Carl Luce

I got to theWicker Bar which is in the Seton Hotel. Finally Old Luce showed up, he knows loads about sex. I made a joke about it, he told me to grow up. I couldn’t get off the subject, I even started lying, trying to show off to him.

I began to annoy him talking about him and his Chinese babe. He came out with another comment stating my mind is immature. Later on he had to go, he was strictly a pain in the ass, but he had a very wide vocabulary.

My 'Goddam' Life - War

When I left the rink I felt sort of hungry. I started thinking of Jane and some guy she dated. Girls always think some guy has an inferiority complex or is conceited, even smart girls.

I then decided to ring Carl Luce, he had a high IQ. We arranged to meet at 10 o’clock, so I had time to kill, so I went to the movies. They had this Christmas introduction which was so phoney, and then the movie was too sweet and perfect.

The movie got me thinking about war and that D.B was in the army for 10 years. I also thought about the atomic bomb and that I am glad we have it, if there was another war, I would gladly sit on it.

My 'Goddam' Life - Massachusetts and Vermont

I was early so I just sat in a couch in the lobby and looked at the girls. I love whistling, it could kill you. Finally old Sally started coming up the stairs so I went down to meet her. She looked marvellous, and I told her we her going seeing the Lunts.

After the show some guy called the Lunts angels, angels for Chrissake, that killed me. We then decided to go skating. The funny thing was, when we were there we were the worst skaters on the ice. The skates hurt like hell so after a while he got off.

I told her if it wasn’t for he I would probably be in the woods or some place. then I got this crazy idea and said to her that we should drive to Massachusetts and Vermont and stay in a cabin, and when we ran out of money I would get a job.

She didn’t want to and we had this argument about it. I then told he she gives me a royal pain in the ass. I know I shouldn’t off. I kept apologising but she got sore as hell and kept telling me to go away.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Museum

It was around noon and I wasn’t meeting Sally until two so I satarted on a walk to Broadway. I went to find a record shop for a record called ‘Little Shirley Beans’ for Phoebe. Everyone at Broadway wanted to go to the movies, I couldn’t understand it. I found the record anyway.

I got me and Sally tickets for the Lunts. They were a bunch of show offs and I don’t like show offs very much if you want to know the truth. I got a cab to the park I asked some kid if they knew phoebe and they said she would be in the museum, but it was Sunday so she wouldn’t but I went anyway.

I used to go to the museum with my class. It made me happy thinking about it. I guess I get a lot of my questions from the museum but the best thing was things stayed the same. When I got to the museum I just didn’t feel like going in.

My 'Goddam' Life - Suitcases

I didn’t sleep long and the last time I ate was with Brossard and Ackley. I thought of giving Jane a buzz, but I didn’t. I did call Sally Hayes though and we made a date to meet up. I got it a cab and went to Grand Central Station. I started to think about It and I found I had spent so much money.

My Fathers quite wealthy but he invests loads in Broadway which m Mum hates. My Mum has been very nervous since Allie died, that’s why I don’t want he to know I got the axe again. I got something to eat at the station.

These two nuns came in and they had very inexpensive suitcases. I hate it when somebody has cheap suitcases, like my old roommate. Anyway I started talking to the nuns about Romeo and Juliet and old Mercutio. It drives my crazy when someone gets killed.
I
gave them ten bucks for their collection and then they left, i felt bad i only gave them ten but i made that date with Sally so I had to keep some dough.

My 'Goddam' Life - Five Bucks

The sun was coming up and I felt so guilty. I started to talk to Allie out loud, I told him to go and get his bike and meet me outside Bobby Fallon’s house. You see when he was alive I didn’t let him come so I was feeling sort of guilty. I also thought about getting into an argument with a lad about the bible.

Suddenly there was a knock at the door, it was Sunny and Maurice. He wanted five bucks which he said I owed him but I didn’t, so I didn’t give it him. He started threatening me and had me up against the door. Sunny got a five out of my wallet, then I started to cry.

I called him a moron and he gave me this great big smack in the stomach. I just lay there. Then I imagined this movie like scene where I would go and shoot Maurice. The goddam movies, they can ruin you.

My 'Goddam' Life - The Prostitute

I walked back to the hotel because I couldn’t be bothered with another cab driver. I put my hunting hat on and I started to think about my old gloves that someone at Pency swiped, I would of got in this stupid argument with him (like in the movies) and eventually not sock him one. Its not fun to be yellow, but I don’t really care if I lose things.

I got in the mood for a drink walking down the street, I can drink loads and not show it. As I was going into the bar these two guys came up and asked me for directions and I ended up not going in. I got to the hotel and was so depressed I wished I was dead.

When I was in the elevator to elevator boy asked if I wanted a prostitute so I expected. When she came I got so nervous, we only talked in the end anyway, I was too depressed. Maurice, the elevator boy told me it was five for a throw but Sonny, the prostitute say it was ten, but I still only gave her five.